From tongue tricks and food to humming and DIY “sex vouchers”, let’s end this madness once and for all.
Who’d believe a sexpert, eh? If they’re not telling you to hang doughnuts off your pecker, they’re making you write out a voucher so you can have sex twice a week. Some sex tips you could definitely do without.
Humming during oral sex
Apparently the vibrations from humming can enhance the experience during fellatio or cunnilungus. How fascinating. Sounds great but… hang on. What are you going to hum? A tune? How do you pick this song? Something by Fleetwood Mac or Joni Mitchell, or should you stay contemporary and hum some, uh, Justin Bieber? Maybe just one long, monotonous drone would be best – sounding like a Satanic cult offering up a dead lamb to Beelzebub is surely an expressway to sex nirvana.
Make an appointment for sex
Having a set time for a shag might seem practical, especially if you have kids or run a multinational, and I know lots of couples swear by this but… well, it’s very quickly going to become a burden, isn’t it? You’ll be minding your own business, cleaning the car or, I don’t know, perhaps enjoying some porn by yourself in the garage, and your sex alarm will go off – perhaps the Vengaboys’ “Boom Boom Boom Boom!!” will be your ringtone – and you’ll have to trudge off to find your better half and throw yourself into dutiful, soulless shagging while Songs Of Praise blares out in the background.
Oh, piss off, Sting. It’s never going to happen.
Cook a meal naked
Burn your tits off while frying an egg, basically.
Hold off coming for as long as possible
In practice, yes, but when they’re looking at their watch, or you’re having to think of Michael Gove in go-go shorts just to keep yourself back from the brink, you have to wonder whether this is genuinely ameliorating your experience or turning it into an endurance test. Blow. Just don’t forget to put Gove out of your mind first.
Eat different foods to make your ejaculate taste
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